I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
