Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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