Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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