My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
