Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
