Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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