I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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