Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
