I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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