I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
