So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
