I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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