I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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