I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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