Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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