bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
