I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
