Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
