I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The feeling are messing with the penis
whose parrot is this?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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