i used baking grease as lip gloss
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
