Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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