I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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