Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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