totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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