just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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