How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
