before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
