You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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