i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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