that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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