so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
A bitchslap is in order.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
