so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
