so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
