You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
