last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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