I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
where am i from again
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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