I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
