just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
