I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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