I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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