I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
