I think my vagina is haunted
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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