I swear she didn't look like that last week.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
