The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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