You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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