They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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