You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
