cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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