**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
