We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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