You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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