fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
