You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
