Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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