please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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