Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
